“(…) aku lebih baik kehilangan pacar dari pada kehilangan temen. karena cari 1 temen, lebih susah dari pada cari satu pacar.” In this context roughly translated as “I prefer to lose you as my boyfriend, rather than my exes. Because finding one friend, is more difficult than finding one boyfriend”. In fact, this is THE main reason why we definitely broke up. Imagine you were in my position, struggling for almost 2 years to make this relationship work. Did everything what could have been done, and then get stabbed in the heart with merely just words like these. Can you feel what I have felt on the moment I read it? It hurts right?! Of course ex boyfriends can be “friends”, but what if this girl is beginning to be unreliable?

            In a reply to this painful sentence, I have failed the Lord and myself. I got angry and mad. Told her that this was the most worthless relationship ever, and yelled at her to get the hell out of my life. Of course not the things a Christian would say, on the contrary. But it has almost always been her deeds that made me sin. Believe me on this, if not, just conform it with my friends and family. 

            I asked several people for their reaction on this painful sentence, because I want to make sure, whether my reaction is normal or not. Among them are friends and family.

1. “I definitely would called her names! The bitch! And it would surely break my heart!”

2. “I would have been angry and heart broken. And come on, friendships between exes CANNOT be trusted!”

3. “Those are painful words! Hearts will definitely be broken!”

4. “F*cked up man!! I definitely would have been angry too!”

So, what would your own reaction be if you were told: "I prefer to choose my friend the ex, above you my lover" ???

My loved ones often ask me “Dit, why do you want her back? She has often hurt you, told you lies, and insulted our Lord?”. I tell them that her persuasion is something that I admire, and she does sincerely love me. Therefore, it became a regular duty for me to defend and justify our ‘get back together’ plan. I don’t mind, because I find it pretty worthwhile to defend something beautiful like love.

The Christmas holiday was a great period for us. We made promises, laugh, felt in love again, and once a while even being intimate – in a certain way though J. Everything seems to went ok, until one day I checked her profile comments. I thought that the 3 conditions I gave her were implemented, but nothing seems to be the case. She broke Point 3. I was mad, angry, frustrated, and all the effort we invested to get back together felt thrown away. I was so disappointed, and my heart felt shred. Is it that difficult not to contact ones exes? The most simple condition, sacrificed for air.

     I am sure that I could make her happy, and I am pretty sure too that no man has ever loved her as much as I do. I am still mouth shut why she has chose to break point 3, and sacrificed our happiness. So, I asked her why, and she answered with a painful and stupid argument “Because they have become my friends. And there is nothing wrong to get in touch with them.” I don’t like repeating what I have said a thousands times before. She knew this answer means nothing to me, because I find it hard to believe. Friends, yeah right? (Off topic: If you don’t agree, feel free to discuss this with me.)

I’d like to present a metaphor. If you knew that God has sacrificed His only son for us, so we can receive forgiveness and eternal life, and that this promise relies only on one condition: that you must believe that Jesus is ‘The Way, the Truth, and the Life’ then it is almost stupid to reject that gift! Why break that condition and sacrifice happiness - eternal life in His kingdom - because there is a man arguing that Jesus was just merely a prophet? That is stupid right? - no offence! -  It’s not my intention to compare the Lord’s kingdom with my relation with her, after all His kingdom is far from flaws, but I hope you’ll understand the deeper meaning of it.

I am now on a definite hiatus with her. After all, how can I build a house on sand? There must be trust in a relationship right? A house must be build on solid ground. Like JC’s own words J Since this trust is lost for months, and worsened last week, I think it was the best way to end all hope. I don’t like it, but in the end it was her own choice and fault that made me decide this way.

     Love calls for sacrifices, it’s a fact you can’t get around with. And love is a complicated and powerful matter, and in the end what counts, is how you deal with it. As for me, I find it pretty stupid to sacrifies the love between two people who truly love one another. And especially for something that she knew will hurt me. To recap and complement my previous blog: in the end she has not done her best; her intention was love, but sacrificed for air; and it was indeed that empty place in her heart that I had to fill temporarily. ‘I Love You’ lost it meaning, and become merely air that I breath. But I have one consolidation though, I now may feel the Holy Spirit within me, working through my friends and UNITED. It’s clear that the Lord has His own ways of getting us back on track. Amen.

nb. Some of you may feel offended by the metaphor, so let me clearify. Its about happiness - accepting the condition - and sacrificing it for sadness - me and her breaking up. It was meant to give power to my argument. So, it is NOT meant to insult muslims! But if you do, then I truly apologize.